And I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

This is a warning; I'm posting this as a journal, more for my own growth and reflection as a person. I suppose if I didn't want others to read this I wouldn't post it on facebook, and, in nature, it is a rather whiny reflection of what I'm thinking of; maybe this is a common affliction and maybe not.

Lately I've been identifying with Bono (as cliche as it is) while listing to "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." Bono describes the tune as merely a gospel song describing the everyday troubles, peaks, and valleys that one goes through while accepting God. Namely, the spiritual unrest that nearly every Christian goes through in this process; it is by no means an easy journey.

It's rather amazing how quickly spiritual unrest tends to settle the soul; both in your spiritual and social aspects. I'm realizing that since the beginning, my priorities in Springfield have not been straight, so obviously I'm struggling. It's the realization that if you begin to displace God with random things, it's amazing how much you fall off. I've been struggling to make myself fit in, and, in some cases, hovering on either extreme trying to force the issue. I suppose an appropriate analogy would be a boy who's wanted a pet goldfish for his entire life; and when he finally gets one, he over feeds the goldfish only to find it belly up the next morning. The intentions may be good, but the methods bad; simply put, twisting something wrong doesn't make it right. It's this struggle that I've been lost in; in the post college world, it's not as easy to meet peers, and when I have; I've resembled the boy with the goldfish. I suppose it's easy to understand; in college, deep relationships were forged, friends were made, and histories were created; now, those histories are scattered, and I'm starting from scratch. Instead, though; I've tried to form new histories in weeks and months, and instead of using previous methods, everything has been forced.

Which leads me to Bono. It's been evident that these past 10 months have almost seemed counterproductive; I've somehow turned God into a mere social setting to satisfy my basic needs. The move so stressed me out that I put the cart ahead of the horse, to near disasterous results. The one thing I failed to do was trust God, and placed to much emphasis in the present, and the result was an extrodinate amount of nervous energy which made something that was rather simple and easy for me in the past into a tedious, near impossible task. Simply said, I set myself up for failure. I barely recognize who I am anymore (in Springfield only, outside of this geographic region of friends everything is at the norm), and it's stressful to say the least.